Workshop Research Paper - Are we on the Same Page

Overall
1. I thought the topic was the best part of the paper.
2. Regarding your concerns with the essay, a couple paragraphs contradict each other. The flow of the essay makes for poor reading. The information is very good, but the structure of the essay makes it hard to understand where you are going. Try writing the information in the order of your thesis, and do not change topics until you have exhausted that topic. That is the beauty of rough drafts you can edit our mistakes.

Thesis
3. The author does express her opinion clearly in the thesis. The thesis argues that fluoridated water is beneficial to the bones in our body and that it helps to prevent dental caries.
4. It is unclear what group agrees with the author; it is also unclear what group disagrees with the author. Dental experts could both agree and disagree with the information in the essay.
5. Yes, the thesis does include an Although and Because statement.

Content
6. I think the topic is about an 8 on the interesting scale, but the paper is about a 3.
7. In paragraph two, the author could have elaborated a little more on the plan of the U.S Department of Health and Human Services; also, the author could have explained what the symptoms of fluorosis.
8. Objects that someone could address about the essay it that, fluoride is not good for you and that it can damage the body.
9. The author could have addressed the concerns about the damage that fluoride can cause to the body.
10. The thesis reads, Although there are legitimate concerns regarding fluoridated water, it should not be over looked as a benefit because our bodies our bodies need this natural mineral, it benefits bones, and prevents dental carries. The first paragraph, explains what fluoride is but it could use a little more explanation. The fourth paragraph with the example involving Fredrick Mckay, the author could give more examples of the different affects of to much fluoride or the lack of fluoride.

Style
11. The transitions from paragraph to paragraph need work. The author should work related paragraphs together.
12. The author should have opened the essay with stronger information. The author could use the example of the Lemabari Village of India that was used in the body of the essay. That statement would have a much stronger effect on the reader than a personal experience.
13. The conclusion does fit with the thesis.

Research
14. There are two sources cited.
15. There are only two sources cited.
16. The author does not have many quotes.
17. The author uses stats from a report by the U.S Department of Health and Human Services, which is not on the works cited list. The author also uses a fact from the Understanding Nutrition, Tenth Edition, that is not listed in the works cited.
18. That is a hard question to answer because I have not read all the works cited.
19. Again I don’t really understand that question.